I am taking a look back on my old blog and it's Breastfeeding week or something? All I know is all the posts I see are full of mom shaming and mommy guilt. I hope you read this and as a mom know you are enough and you do exactly what God intends you to do for your family. I wrote this post on 10/31/2015, when Sam was a little over one month old. I'll move other posts over eventually and any reference to a prior post I'll link later 😁.
*This is a Mom Shame Free/Mom Guilt Free Zone. From pregnancy to 5 weeks postpartum my thoughts about how I wanted to feed my baby has changed immensely. My original thoughts were that I wanted to breastfeed. It's free (ish) and what I just thought was best for both of us in terms of nutrition for him and losing weight for me and bonding for both of us...among other benefits I have read about during my research. If you remember from my prior post about my Labor and Delivery experience, I was able to have Sampson without any pain medication. One of the reasons was that during my research I found out that if I wanted to breastfeed, medication free gave us the best chances for a successful breastfeeding relationship. So from the time Dominic and I started developing our birth plan; I had it in my plan to have immediate skin to skin contact after my natural delivery. After delivery, they placed Sam on my chest for skin to skin contact. We cuddled and loved those first few minutes as a family of three and shortly after we attempted our first breastfeeding session. He latched on beautifully and successfully and it was a great first for us. The first three weeks I breastfed Sam and we went to a breastfeeding support group at St. John's. It's free, every Wednesday, from 12-1:30. I must say the staff at the hospital and in the group were wonderful! The staff weighs him without his clothes on, again with his clothes on, then you feed him and then weigh him again. It was a relief to know that not only was he latching on great, but he was taking in plenty of milk and gaining weight beautifully. I appreciated all that the staff and veterans of the group did to support newbies like me. I bawled and bawled our first trip; 5 days postpartum. A lactation specialist helped me with issues I was having with my left side and when I left I felt so great. Weighed him after feeding on each side and he took in 4 oz total in like 10 minutes! Whoa! The staff was so impressed and I felt so proud of us for doing so well when I thought we were doing lousy. The feeding sessions were often and most of the time pretty short. I think I had a pretty fast let down that ended up choking him sometimes. Even though he still latched on great and ate enough to gain about a pound a week, I was feeling stressed out and exhausted and the on demand feedings just had me worried about returning to work. My hormones were/are out of whack (as expected) and I just felt like I needed to reconsider formula feeding as an option to give Dominic a role in actually feeding him. I was so torn. I felt like a failure. My initial thought was that I was going to 'breastfeed as long as possible'. But I never gave myself an actual timeline. When was enough? How long could/should I go? Nothing was truly wrong with me and him feeding. He was latching on and eating and gaining weight. But he was fussy sometimes and I was worried about what I was eating impacting his tummy. I was exhausted, his eating sessions were 1-2 hours apart and I had not yet mastered the art of the power nap. Caffeine was out of the question, you only have to make that mistake once. I didn't want to, but I felt awkward trying to feed him outside of my house. A feeling I created in my own mind since no one else acted like my feeding choice 'in public' with family and friends was bothersome. But then again, I didn't leave the house much really at all. But what about pumping? That was also on the original plan. But again, the thought of pumping, storing, freezing, thawing, producing enough to pump and still feed, going back to work...storing it at work...creating/setting aside the time to pump at work... wearing normal clothes since I was leaking through everything...prepping enough for daycare...I was just stressing myself out over that and then thinking that all of the above and my doubts to continue were out of my own laziness. Again I felt just awful and torn....basically mom guilt and mom shaming my own self. I talked with two amazing friends that either transitioned from breast to formula or that exclusively formula fed. Amazing really is an understatement. I look up to these women as how to be awesome friends, professionals, wives, and mothers. Their willingness to answer my personal questions and be so open with why and how they feed the way they do/did....well I know that God brings girlfriends in your life for so many reasons and their love and support is irreplaceable. These girls along with my mother and mother in law helped me realize that I have nothing to be ashamed for. What is/was most important is that I love my son unconditionally and a happy and healthy mother is a happy and healthy baby. I needed to do what was best for both of us to achieve our well being. Whether that be breastfeeding/pumping or transitioning to formula. There is no right or wrong answer. So I transitioned him to formula. Not only can I now have some time to myself to recharge and come back a better mother, but Dominic and other family can now help more actively as well. I dried up my breasts in about a week and now I feel so much better physically and mentally. In order to actively participate in Sampson's life and not anticipate the future worries, I did what was best for us. Shaming and guilting myself while transitioning defeats the just stated purpose of why I did it in the first place. Sam continues to feed as usual. He eats often, sleeps better/longer in between feedings, cries less from upset tummy/gassy, and still dirties diapers as what is considered normal. I am very pleased with his adjustment. Success all around! In other words. Trust your own self. Believe in knowing that what you are doing is the right thing to do for you and your family. Don't do it because xyz says so. Sure, use their help and guidance and advice and love and support like I did, but do so in combination with your own confidence at the end of the day. No Mom Shaming or Mom Guilt here; that definitely won't help you Participate. So to add to my phrase; Don't Anticipate or Regret, Participate.
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